Getting Better at a Cost

Hi!
So after two days of wallowing in misery I am better. Its odd though CRON wise things went down hill after my super low cal monday. Maybe its a sign. Although i have to say that I have been reading a lot of blogs about how people go too low and then binge the next day. And I def. did binge the last day and a half but i was an odd binge. It didn't feel out of control, i felt like i could stop whenever i wanted. I was really just doing it out of boredom! Becuase I was home alone for two days sick. What a stupid reason to overeat (i hate the word binge). Im happy though because I think the reason that I didn't feel out of control was because of getting (almost) ON each day! Such a good sign health wise.

Ok so here is how it all began. Well I slept in until 12:00 on Tuesday and woke up not hungry. Although the knowledge that I hat only eaten 900 cals the day before (and excersised quite a bit) fuelled me to the kitchen. Being sick I had a few weird cravings which i gave into. One was Cranberry juice (full sugar- i cant get any nice diet kinds here). I had a big salad and an apple. Then I retreated to my room and out of boredom C/S'd for awhile while watching TV. Now I have to confess kind of a gross habit leftover from the ED days and that is C/S (chew and spit). I basically did that for 2 hours! So you dont actually take in many cals (although yes occasionally i swallow and also some get absorbed in your mouth). I mostly did it with crackers, cookies, and granola bars. Ok sorry if that is gross but for me it is better than eating then purging. Side note: this is really an open, trusting place for me so I feel ok to write about things like that. Im looking up to u guys for support, advice and love. Ok enough corny stuff.

So C/S usually leaves u kinda hungry and Im sure my blood sugar was crazy from the sugary cranberry juice and the sugar carbs i did swallow/absorb. So then at dinner time I really overate. TONS of white rice, chicken, pak choy and cauliflower. Ok so the chicken, cauliflower and pak choy were good but not the 2.5 cups of white rice! Ick! After a meal like that I couldnt sleep and I still had a fever so I knew i wouldnt be going to school all day. I ended up staying up super late watching TV and around 2:30 i went to the kitchen. i wasn't even hungry but A. It is kinda habit to eat when im up late and B. I honesltey said aloud to myself that the only reason I was doing this was because I was bored and overeating gives me a focus for the next few days to excersise and eat light (its SO dumb, school is really easy right now and I have ADD so my theory is I am self-creating excitment in my life). I ate tons of sourdough bread with sugar free jam and margraine. Then oatmeal and a little bit of ice cream. I then freaked out and couldnt fall asleep and felt HORRIBLE from all those carbs, sugar and fat. I got anxious, headachy and irritable. At around 5 I decided it would help to excersise so I hopped on the elliptical for about 40 min then finally went to bed at 6. What an awful way to spend the night! I have had 3-4 of these nights before, pre-CRON, where I overeat then stay up super late to work it off. Very bad I know.

Well I woke up at 12 again today. Did a similar thing to yesterday but not quite as extreme. Went into the kitchen made egg whites, a big salad and munched on some fruit and veggies. Then i ddint really want the salad so I ate half then decided to give into a peanut butter and banana craving. So i had that, roled in cheerios. I watched more TV did a little C/S but much less than yesterday. At around 3 i excersised for 40 min then went on a short walk. Drank too much coffe tho before and felt a little jittery. Came home kinda hungry but a little guilty for already kinda breaking CR that day. Although I wasn't too high. Had a big bowl of veggies with chicken on top and an apple. Then around 8 my cook came up with dinner. I wasn't hungry so I shouldnt have eaten as much as I did but at least it was all healthy. I had a bunch of eggplant cooked in olive oil, chicken kebabs, some raw veggies, and frozen strawberries for dessert. Probably brings me to about 1550 for the day. Not too bad. I wanted to reach 1000 due to last nights overeating but I'm actaully glad I didn't. After my post yesterday I realized its just not me to eat 1000 cals a day. I need to break my cycle. It makes me feel awful when I overeat/binge or C/S then try to purge by actually purging (i'm fighting bulimia), over excersising or eating very lightly the next day.

SO my goal for the rest of this week (until Sunday) is to do CRON properley each day. Allowing myself a minimum of 1300 cals and a maximum of 1500 cals. Except for tomorrrow, I may not be hungry from the last 2 days of overeating so its ok if I dip below my minimum. If I feel the urge to binge I will evaulate whether or not I am truly hungry. If I am I will go make a nice, healthy snack if I am not I will do something to take my mind off it like go for a walk, paint my nails, call a friend, etc.

At least I can say despite the ups and downs of the last 2 days I have gotten 95% of my RDAs both days!! YAY! =]

Hope you are all well!

peace

P.S. I'm sorry if I am discussing my ED problems in such a light manner it is hard for me to do it any other way. I am glad that I feel comfortable enough to be open about it here and I hope it does not intimidate anyone. I know that i am sick and I am determined to get well. its just that in India there is not proper treatment available so I am having to wait until i am back in the states. In the meantime I am CRON'in away to stay healthy.